22 December 2016

goodbye 2016

I should probably write about our Morocco trip before doing this but after reading jojobeans' post on Dayre I caught the *~feels~* and am feeling very sentimental now.

I remembering saying somewhere that my goal in life is to live every year better than the previous so that I never have to end the year saying "20__ was better". If I were to be completely honest 2016 would've been a complete disaster if not for our Morocco trip.

This year I didn't grow, not physically, not mentally nor emotionally; if my resolution was to become a better person in 2016, I failed very miserably. A few days ago on ODB (I actually cannot find the post anymore maybe I dreamt about it) I read about how we must not hit ourselves too hard for feeling hate because it is only human, but true sin lies in continual hate -- which is what I spent a whole CHUNK of 2016 doing.

January to May passed in a blur, and not a very happy one at that. I caused misery, caused myself misery, and my social circle (whatever that was left of it) shrank further, all because I was too caught up with sustaining my hate. It's not like I didn't realise it at the time, but I had been so far from God that nothing could stop me.

I vowed to myself that this summer wouldn't be like the last and I wouldn't worry about my friendships but that obviously didn't work out too well. I'm thankful it ended on a note loud and bright enough to obscure the unhappiness I brought myself over the 3 months, but I'm trying to be honest to myself here right...?

This year I learnt the most and discovered what I really want to do in life, I interacted more than ever with genomics, learnt how to work on Unix, wrote and rewrote my personal statement and agonised over my postgrad applications, set my alarm at 5am every day just to make time to prepare for my GRE exam, but looking back none of those even seem significant to me now. I haven't gotten any replies from any school but I'm slowly learning to trust and obey because I am sick and tired of worrying about my future.

I didn't grow but I can't say 2016 didn't teach me a whole lot about life and how to be a person. It will forever be a stain in my life, the year I hated and caused hate, and walked away from God with my own two feet. I didn't deserve the Morocco trip, and definitely not the kindness that was given to me during; but still I end this year with a thankful heart and a deeper than ever appreciation that I have His grace to fall back on, a name I don't deserve and one I will never live up to.

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