14 January 2016

Sat myself in the jacuzzi just now after my swim for the longest time ever just trying to sort this brain of mine out because... it was about time. Really felt myself slipping to the point of no (difficult) return after receiving our marks for last term's project (:() so I refused to leave till I managed to inject some zest for life into myself.

Then came blessing #1 in the form of my tutorial feedback from dear Dr. Chong which I read on the bus and really... almost... cried tears of joy... because I guess all I really wanted all this time was some recognition that I am good enough to do the things I want to do. Will there ever be a day I stop looking to other people for recognition? I think deep down I sincerely believe I don't receive enough (which I know is stupid because I literally do and show nothing that invites any form of praise), but then again, what is enough? I am eternally grateful I was brought up in a family where hard work is celebrated over good results, because I still truly feel that hard work will get you anywhere (realistically and God-willing) you want to go.

Recently my brain has just been filled with thoughts like "what if I don't get my first class?" and I unwittingly put so much pressure on myself because I cannot stand seeing hard work go to waste. Just on Monday we had a tutorial with our new tutors and she asked all of us what we want to do after graduation (which is a risky question to ask second years like whoa tread lightly). When I told her I think I want to do a PhD but don't dare to aim for that yet she scolded me and told me I need to aim as high as possible which made me very (embarrassingly) teary-eyed.

Jacuzzi conclusion ie. #throwback to pre-A level JC days: I am good and clever enough for God, hard work will get me maybe not where I want to go, but it will get me where I'm supposed to go

ps. working on solo travel plans either in easter/summer but don't think I could handle doing both (also cannot decide on where exactly I want to go)(TURKEY!!! but slightly scary)(also Greece but that has to be summer if I want to chill on a beach). hmm

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