23 September 2015

(wrote all of this out on the train from London to York)

Using this 2-hour train ride to York to look back on the past 3.5 months and close this summer well and with new things learnt.

I remember looking forward to summer break for... the whole of the 9 months I was in my  first year, the day I lugged my things to Rebecca's place, our last meal in York (vege tempura soaked in sauce because I am the biggest klutz I know), our unhelpful taxi driver who brought us to the rail station and having to rush my report barely 2 hours before our flight because I screwed up.

I honestly didn't know what to expect - part of me was prepared for 3 months of meeting only my friends from York thanks to stories from my brother and other people who all warned me my friends in Singapore would have no time for me, and maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because wOw neglected did I feel.

For the first 2 months of break or so I was mostly just sad and angry all the time and at everyone. Angry because nobody seemed to have time for me, angry because nobody missed me, sad because I didn't feel anyone really cherished me nor the little time we had together. Looking back now I know it's all v selfish but juz let me continue k. Each time I told Rona I wouldn't be back for dinner I was met with a "really meh?? won't cancel again???" and though I laughed it off I was such a SAD BAT. I spent a shitload of time looking forward to dates (which again is my fault I know) and then getting disappointed, I talked to friends about them not putting effort into our relationship (which really seemed like a very grown-up thing to do then but in retrospect...) and was generally bitchy just because the world didn't seem to be revolving around me.

I'm not sure what triggered it but somewhere along the way I decided if nobody was going to entertain me I would entertain myself and started a whole slew of projects (for myself) JUST to keep myself from wallowing in self-pity and so began my lamb days where I just went around forcing myself not to bitch and failing quite very miserably. It didn't last long anyway because... I am just not a lamb ha ha ha ha.

In my very last month though I think I was the happiest I've ever been and I am really really really filled to the brim with gratitude because it was the reason I could leave home again in peace and not in pieces. With new studies at my internship and more friends to meet up with everything seemed to fall into place (by God's grace)(speaking of God)(I was so desperate just now I sat on my floor and asked him to PLS MAKE MY INTERNET WORK and it did omG thank you)(anyway). Proper conversations about love n life with old friends and older friends (sorry ah no new) and mostly forgiving people for things they didn't even do wrong.

I really really don't remember (nor do I want to) a single day in the past month I was not given all the luv one can receive. I regret having spent the 2 months moping but better late than never right??? Am thankful for friends who eventually made up for not being there, friends who surprise me with supper out of nowhere, thankful for friends who wake up at unearthly times to meet me one last time, friends who shared the most important bits of their heart with me and friends who know me, all my flaws and imperfections and yet still stick close by, for arms and legs and the busiest of them who at the end gave me their love.

I feel like the luckiest person on this planet; no matter this pensiveness I feel being all alone these 4-5 days or the next 9 months of challenges I know I will be happy with the comfort that thousands of miles away back home I have people who have my back always and will always always always always always motivate me to become a better person < aka my new year's resolution. I shall go back and show my country a better me!!!!!!!!!!!


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