15 September 2015

furreal it would be great to have someone spend these last few days with me because all I have now is myself and my thoughts

the past few days have just been a cruel mix of emotions - me happy to have those i love right beside me but sad i have to leave soon

i don't want people to think i don't enjoy studying overseas; it is an opportunity i know i'm lucky to have, and a decision i will never regret. there are things i've learnt that can only be learnt by being alone thousands of miles away, friends i cherish very much, but at the same time so much i'm missing out over here as well.

every day i shed about 3 tears thinking about having to leave. foolish, because it is not forever. i cannot explain why exactly i am so sad; a mix of melancholy and fear but also a strange peace brought on probably by the fact that i am more fortunate than i realise most of the time, and the comfort my friends have given me over the past 3 months that some things will not change. sad, but not sad enough to be able to cry it all out.

foolish because i know i will enjoy myself and as lydia said i have so many things i love about york but my heart hurts knowing i cannot be by your (plural) side(s?) and while all of us will grow I dread having to grow up apart from all of you.

selfish because i don't want your lives to move on without me

"loyalty to your country, it's important, you know?"

recently these words mummy said maybe months ago have been replaying in my head

i'm sorry i cannot be here

who knew the second time would be so much harder

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