noTHing like some 1am emotions and a little blog post
I've been so confused and emotionless the past few days I'm feeling so empty inside but at the same time feeling so fat but also carefree but also troubled. You know????
Sometimes I get these little spurts of motivation which leads to tabs and tabs of internships and attachment opportunities or jobs completely unrelated to my degree (which is coincidentally how I ended up applying for a job at the zoo but they obv don't want me) but they don't ever last and I'm starting to question if there is anything that will last for me, and then I start to think all sorts of things, like whether I will ever find a husband that will last and though these are rather depressing thoughts somehow I get all excited because I just want to know how life will turn out.
While I was talking to the guys today and looking to see if my friends are free it hit me exactly how much all our paths have diverged, so much so I am completely alien to their lifestyles now and them mine, and then suddenly it just seemed like wishful thinking on my part to want us to still be as close as before and slightly selfish to get pissed off when they have no time to meet me. Maybe I completely overestimated the strength of our relationship but does that even make sense???
It's so sad thinking in about 3 years' time I might not be close to the friends I made in York anymore but such is life life is such. Is this how life works? It makes sense, though; there is a limit to which social circles can expand. If I have a vague idea today of who will stay with me through life how sure can I be? If all of our priorities keep shifting it just becomes a messy game of waiting for a time they are aligned, just like what is happening now. It's like one of those primary school math questions with train times that I always hated: If A is no. 1 on grace's list of priorities every 3 years, and grace is no. 1 on A's list of priorities every 5 years, how often will they match? (answer is downright scary ok nobody waits 15 years)(maybe months will be more appropriate but yeah you geddit). These priorities are why groups are drifting-- the only reason why our Laos team is not as close as before though we were so tight even after the trip.
But then again we are not animals (we are, but you geddit) nor are we 3-year-olds; we are intelligent human beings, almost adults but not really, but adult enough to be able to decide that even if A is not no.1, it's a relationship worth keeping and therefore an effort worth making. After a whole day of work or meetings etc., is it hard to find even 30 minutes of time to get out and meet people you don't know if you'll see the next day? Yes, if they're not worth it, but never, ever, ever, ever, if they are.
Time can always be made