31 May 2015

8 months

I'm now sitting in this half-empty room listening to Westlife and consciously keeping myself calm and at peace and telling myself soon this won't matter to me because when the walls of your refuge have been stripped bare it is unbearably hard not to panic.

When you're given a space so private it's hard not to get attached; this may sound stupid but I already miss the mess and my corner I snuggle in with my computer every night (refer to above picture). I miss my dead plants and having to go through an obstacle course just to get from the door to my bed. Of the 8 months I've been here I'm pretty sure I've spent 4 months' worth at this table where I'm sitting now. I've cried and laughed harder than I ever did in my room back home, I've struggled to hit deadlines here, spent whole days watching dramas at this table, I've eaten all my meals here.

I didn't realise how familiar and comfortable I've grown with this room- when I posted on instagram when I first arrived introducing everyone to my 'refuge and safehaven' I didn't realise how true it would be.

I remember the very first night I spent alone here in York with my family so near yet so far and how awful it felt, I remember the day my family stepped out of this room and left York and how I just collapsed at my door to cry for 1 minute before peeking out of the window to wave them goodbye. I remember coming back after 10 days of backpacking and how ELATED I was to have my bed back. I don't remember how many times I've sat on my floor in a mess just sobbing over all the things I'm not and cannot be, but I remember the night my housemates had a party and all I did was cry into my pillow.

I've spent so many nights here just thinking about life, sorting my thoughts out, praying and writing, so much so I feel like leaving this room feels like I'm leaving part of myself behind. I didn't think I would get so much more than I asked for.

But I feel like maybe it's a good thing now, to move on and live with other people. It feels like I'm moving on to another item on my checklist. I've tried living all by myself, tasted all there is to it, been the only one there for myself, conquered and survived, so it's time I accepted a new challenge- this time involving housemate housemates, bills and internet and all other things I've never had to deal with before.

I will leave grateful for having been given this space to grow and at peace knowing I am now someone who can leave without struggle when it's time. Thank you 201 I love you I love you I love you I really do and I hope your next owner treats you well and is not too grossed out when he/she has to pick out any of the hair I missed off the carpet.

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