9 March 2015

I wonder how it is I still have the motivation/energy/time to actually do a proper update when almost all of my friends never do it anymore (looking at u cwong). Everyone's blogs are now more of a collection of thoughts and for a while I thought maybe this is the way it is now because everyone has grown up and I haven't. If that's so I don't really want to grow up though; I'm happy having the energy and time to sit here and look back on the week (& dread the day I can't).

It's funny and quite scary how life has become so much more meaningful now; I feel like I haven't really done anything because my brain is not satisfied with the (almost zero) amount of info I'm feeding it but I am feeling so emotionally healthy it's amazING.

Baked pineapple tarts on Wednesday with fungus which led to a 10 hour talk cock session about everything and anything.

Thursday was swap shop where I didn't sell anything (prob cos everything I was selling is from Primark pls remind me to never shop there again) and then nuatime in YUSU with the 2Ds. I don't know anyone who loves nuaing and nuas better than I do maybe I should set up a nuasoc here.

Friday = bussing to hes east with goh and rebecca in my slippers with the intention of going to swim after but it didn't happen so I took a bath in rebecca's toilet and we talked and napped and had chinese takeout and watched korean variety shows (good life or what).

Saturday was Indian food (craving finally satisfied I was practically screaming for indian the whole week) and town with the best weather EVERRRRR. We were just walking aimlessly around town soaking in the buzz and the atmosphere/sun shining on faces/old men sitting around the food trucks laughing/people sitting on benches listening to the buskers/students in t-shirts and shorts/just a good good feeling I cannot describe. Also went up to the city walls and sat at this random but romantic bench in the middle of nowhere taking pictures and eating 65p B&J's.

Church today and then Khao San with... church people... been finding so much comfort food around York and finally, thankfully appreciating York and realising what a blessing it was I chose to come here. After hopping around so much this place has really started feeling like home and I already cannot wait to return after summer (but also wanna go home so ya). I can't wait to move out of my room but feel sad at the same time because this room has been my safe haven for the past 5 months (omg almost half a year here how is that possible????).

I've cried, laughed, danced, sang, drank, studied, read, felt lonely, happy, angry etc. in this room and it contains maybe 3/4 of my life and I want to move out into my own house but I will miss you so :'(. All the littlest things like how the sun shines in at 5pm and burns my neck and the gusts of wind that enter through my small window, to the corner I sit at in bed watching my shows till the sun rises, the familiarity of everything and how well the walls know me by now-- they have seen me at my worst and have comforted me on days my inadequacies get to me, on nights I hear my housemates partying outside while I cry into a pillow for all that I cannot be. I'm happysad that life is going to move on and then soon I'll call a new room home. I keep imagining the last time I step out of this room and lock the door and most of the time I have to stop myself because it's almost too much for me to bear-- I think I might really cry on my last day here. I will never see this room again.

I think of my first day here and how alone I felt in this world sitting in this exact spot but bed bare with no pillows and luggage still packed and am glad things worked out this way; at least I have a place I can call home away from home. Till today I remember how it felt like waving goodbye to my parents as they walked out my door and though my chest was exploding I told myself I cannot cry I cannot cry I cannot cry but I did and all I had then was my bed, these walls and my exploding toilet (with shower that likes to give me either freezing or scalding hot water I am not sad to leave you behind).

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