17 February 2015

Just came back from the gym to the best news that tutorial is cancelled and just when I read the email my iPod blasted HOWWWW MARVELLOUS HOWWWW WONDERFUL AND MY SONG SHALL EVER BE and stupid as this sounds these are the moments I'm so glad for God and the moments I can feel Him working in my life??? because it feels like He did it for me knowing how unprepared I am for today's presentation and how much DREAD I'm filled with. Things like these I secretly wish to happen knowing I really shouldn't... and despite me not praying for it not saying it out loud He chooses to give me the comfort bc 你比任何人都爱我  :') OKay legit touched now okay I'm a bit weird


I know it sounds pretentious and lame and it feels like I'm making something out of nothing, foolishly believing God did it for me when it could just be pure coincidence that my tutor couldn't make it today but this is what I live for-- these stupid things are what remind me of God's goodness. I love mountains and valleys and lakes, sunsets and pretty skies, I love the moon (love it to death) and the stars and while they do remind me what a great artist He is they don't have such an effect on me.

I think it's warped how social media has shaped our standards of Christianity and it annoys me to no end how Christians are so often in the spotlight for all the good they have done, because I have had friends who have left church feeling inferior and intimidated by their supposed sisters or brothers. I have had people telling me they left because they cannot speak tongues, people left because after years of listening and finding they have yet to hear "God's voice", left because they feel undeserving because everyone else seems so holy and it really really pains me to hear these reasons, because I have felt this way and I still feel it.

It makes you feel so small and so much less than everyone and it's a feeling that makes you feel so so lost. but it's an intimate thing, Christianity. It's not up to someone else to define what your relationship with God should be. There are those who were gifted with musical abilities I can only dream of having, there are those who were gifted with the ability to make friends easily, the gift of evangelism, there are those who speak so well, those who know all the politically right things to say in a group prayer.

And then there are those who can't sing well, those who cannot play musical instruments, those with social anxiety, those with self-esteem so low it might as well not exist, those who run away from chain prayers all the time because they stutter and can't find the right words, those who deep down want to pray that their tutorials are all just cancelled instead of praying for courage to attend these tutorials, those who are so BLOODY SCARED to be alone here, so scared of the sinners we are, so scared to admit there are things we cannot control, so scared because we are weak against our wills and all we want is comfort and strength to simply survive the day, be rid of toxic thoughts and be better people.

and it's really okay, because I am one of those people. After 19.5 years of going to church I am one of those people but I will not leave church, I will not leave because today God cancelled my tutorial and I am reminded that He is not giving up on me and is by my side though I'm less (I hope I sound a little less foolish now) Maybe I am less, but less is not the keyword here anymore lolz

I was bothered because I felt like I wasn't socialising enough in church and I felt uncomfortable because it seemed like I was in a way not contributing and I should be there as a form of spiritual support to my "brothers and sisters in Christ". I was bothered because this evil little voice in my head was asking if these people didn't bother socialising with me, why should I? And then I asked myself, are butterfly interactions worth it? Do they really give spiritual support?

I thought they did, then yesterday I decided they don't.

Maybe for some they do, but they don't give support for the people like me. Butterfly interactions bring my hopes up thinking someone is there, but they always, always flutter away. There is no point asking me once if I'm okay and never asking again. There is no point being there once to listen to someone's problems and not following up the next week (slight explanation for my all-or-nothing conclusion in yesterday's post hAHHA).

Ok main point is what I always tell Chloe........


I know I said I would stop posting these things and I do not have the ability to convey my message properly but the reason I'm posting this is because I want to tell my friends............... come back to church. We'll struggle together and grow together, and because we've been in this cesspit ourselves we'll know not to unwittingly place ourselves on pedestals or seem like we're placing ourselves on pedestals, because I think you are the people the church really needs now, you are the people I need, because a straight-A student telling a no-A student he/she is smart will never work, and for the same reason I need you back.

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