16 January 2015

There are times I want to restart my life because I forget I have so much I treasure. Why is it so much easier to focus on the bad????? Annoying human brains omg

Randomly listening to The Wedding Singer songs and I really want to watch the musical now :((( but as much as I hate to admit it I'm not much of a musical person. I ALWAYS fall asleep/want to sleep when I watch musicals (except for ABTM HAR HAR guess that says a lot about me right). I have decided on my wedding playlist (tho at the rate I'm going this wedding will not happen).

Just finished 2 days of lab and 2 whole boxes of pipette tips. It was honestly quite relaxing but not for my brain because half the time was spent trying to decipher the instructions on our worksheet like irritating la either give us proper instructions or don't give us anything. Today my housemate asked if I'm enjoying my course, and I didn't know how to answer; I don't even care about my answer actually.

2015 has been horrid so far and I'm feeling so uneasy. Every day while stoning in class I tell myself I will go back at night and pen my thoughts, sort out my feelings, everything I need to change, everything I'm bothered by, everything I'm happy about, but I end up watching my drama and sleeping zzz I'm so lazy I can't even be bothered to organise my brain (and much less my room you should check out the state of my bedroom I can barely see my floor anymore).

My grEatest dilemma now is that I know I should start praying again and getting my spiritual life back on track but I've been so bitchy I feel like I don't have the right to do that. I know that is like complete nonsense and if I want to fix that the sooner I should fix myself and I know this is satan's work and wtv u get the idea but I just.... YAR...... It has come to a point where I feel so undeserving I don't even want to ask for help anymore (and i know it makes no sense but ya this is what it is kind of).

I keep having to stop myself from saying I'm tired of living because I am not- I am excited about life and excited for what the future holds but I can't seem to find the motivation to live in the now. I've always been this way, it is why nostalgia is both my best friend and greatest enemy. I keep my memories so close and talk about the future all the time (if u are my close friend u r prob sick of dis ok sorry my bad muacks) but I never seem content with the present. Yesterday I got so depressed over my report SOLELY because I saw other people who scored higher than me and that was when I realised I'm back to square 1; I am a terrible, terrible person (I even feel guilty for saying this bc I feel like I'm pitying myself and posting this makes me seem like I want people to not hate me cos I admit I'm  terrible person but these are my innermost thoughts I wish to let u know about bc my eyes are not the windows to my soul. My blog is HAHAHAHHAHA lame but honestly I post these things bc I'm a coward and an attention seeker and also it takes a while for me to reveal this side of me to people and what I post is usually highly judgable so reading my blog is like a crash course on all my flaws and how my brain works/what I'm like when no one is watching)(not sure why I want people to know this but I do)(also means if you read my blog and are still my friend I might marry you)(erm restricted to males)(also helps me avoid having to end friendships after ppl discover they don't want to associated with the Evil Grace)(end it before it hurts to amirite)(prolly not).


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