18 January 2015

I'm so glad I went to church today. It wasn't easy but I think for the first time in my life I bared my soul, though stuttering because I had no words to describe how I've been feeling. It took a lot not to cry; I was so relieved when I felt the tears coming because for the past few days that's all I tried to do but try as I might I just wouldn't cry. Maybe it's the weather, maybe somewhere along the way my heart turned to stone, but today it snowed properly for the first time and I think my heart is finally mine again.

Thank you for listening to me, for praying for me when I couldn't bring myself to, for helping me realise that maybe 2015 will be a good year after all. Today I felt happy for what must be the first time since the year started and I'm so hApPEEEEEEE (also tq to everyone who reads the shit I say here and doesn't judge me)

I sound very serious but in reality I'm sitting here peeling off my face mask and typing with one hand.

I am a disgusting person and that will not change but for now I think I will try to be less of a terrible person.

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