30 December 2014

Back in London after a forever and a few years complete with pissed off bus drivers and clogged toilets and instant pasta. Had Singaporean food today and it felt so good to feel so close to home. Jay Chou has been playing non-stop since yesterday because I'm feELiN it.

Having withdrawal symptoms I didn't think I would have and realising that I miss people I didn't think I would miss. Sitting once again on the brother's sofa just feeling sad that... just feeling sad. Asking me to return to York and act like my life in UK hasn't changed after all of this would be nothing short of emotional torture-- it's like getting me to leave home a 2nd time. I know it's ridiculous how I feel attached to people I hardly know, people I've known to exist since only a few days ago, (people who were supposed to be nobodies; "my brother's friends").... I don't even have an excuse for this I myself know it's damn ridiculous lolol sigh.

It hits you at the unlikeliest of times: you really are all alone in this world.

Tonight I will spend in my sleeping bag brooding over the complexity of human relationships and wishing things could be easier, things would be simpler, wishes granted, desires aligned.

It never seems to get better; it hit me today: I don't even realise it when I'm struggling, nothing bobs to the surface. I feel like I'm finally loving life but then my subconscious reminds me again that all good things have to come to an end, then it all bubbles up and spills over-- I am a mess again.

Was, am, will.

What was the point of it all???? I really wish I knew, I wish I could see what the future holds for us, I wish to one day find someone who can dispel these useless thoughts, someone who won't judge me for all that I'm thinking now, someone who will accept my weakass broken soul I kinda broke myself and let me just cry over nothing in particular-- or better, laugh at nothing in particular.

Ironically though tonight I'm not longing for someone to be with me// I want to be there for someone; I want to know that through this mess I haven't lost my heart, through it all I haven't lost my ability to be kind, that as long as I strive to have a good heart nothing else really matters; it's okay if I don't know who I am, it's okay if I don't know what I want to be in future, it's ok, it's okay. I want to fuss over someone I love just to remind myself they are always more important.

I take it back

I think right now I want someone to tell me they will be here forever, no matter how untrue.

because I want to stop fretting over all of this

edit: just realised this might just be my last post of 2014. If so then so be it-- 2014 was pure madness. I am not liking all this shit with missing planes and whatnot. I was never one who was sensitive to such incidents but I'm slowly losing trust (interpret this however you want it will probably be correct) and that is the sickest feeling ever.



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