30 December 2014

Am currently in Imperial studying and I decided that grace will not end of the year with a shit post like the previous one but do a proper cliche ~2014 was a ride~ post (also because I am ALREADY sick of studying and do not want to learn anymore about microbes or their life cycles). My head is clogged with part biology and part stupid shit grace is always thinking about.

I can't remember 2014.

I remember watching fireworks with Chloe (who I'm so happy is still in my life thk u for being my pillar of strength my shoulder and my rant rubbish can) and then pushing through crowds and crowds of Indian men to get home. I remember passing my days at Midview with Adeline and Thaddaeus and whoever else and I remember getting my A level results-- one of the best moments and saddest moments because it signified officially the end of my time in AC. (:() I won't say I thought my results were a miracle, I won't say I expected any worse, but I also won't say I expected it. In a way 2013 was one of the best years of my life because it was the year I learnt to detach myself from expectations and live life doing my best.

but now I've forgotten again how to do that.

I remember weeks and weeks of Korean dramas and variety shows, Supernatural and Modern Family, with the occasional Mummy coming into my room to ask me to do something useful. I remember how I would get motivated for a few days and start applying to every store and signing up for online courses, then losing all motivation and rejecting jobs bc I just didn't feel like it. I remember going for work at Great Eastern (it was not great) for 2 days and then deciding that I will never work in Raffles Place ever again. I remember coming home crying because I'm a useless sad little pig who can't even stand doing simple desk jobs.

I remember messing up my visa application 3 days before I was supposed to leave for Cambodia, and I remember pinching my shins so hard I bruised for a whole week. I remember how disappointed I was in myself once again for screwing things up so badly.

I remember crying over MH370, something I never thought I would do, I remember crying over lost friends, crying because I felt like it, crying because I'm a useless pig who keeps crying over things that don't matter, trivial, stupid things not worth crying over.

I remember the very moment my parents stepped out of my room in York and I felt so alone, the most alone I'd felt in my entire life. I remember leaning against the door to cry and then peeking out of the window to wave because I didn't want them to see me crying. I remember the nights I spent missing home, the days I wished for nothing more than to be back home. I remember waking up to pictures of my cat and lying in bed at 8am to sob my heart out. 8am.

I remember the friends I still have in York who constantly remind me I'm not exactly alone, that they too have such episodes. I wonder how many nights we have sat in our rooms and felt so alone, but not wanting to look for each other.

I remember visiting Uncle Allan and Aunty Gretchen and crying into Denise's shoulders for 30 minutes after that for reasons I still cannot figure out.

I remember Spain and Portugal, I remember Nicole who made me laugh so hard, I remember our 4/5am nights we spent talking about nothing in particular when we were supposed to plan for the trip. I remember missing our flight, I remember hitting my head so hard against the bus window bc my sore throat/motion sickness was killing me, I remember Lydia's jacket that saved my life.

I remember the ski trip, I remember meeting all of my brother's friends. I remember how I became Geraldine, I remember every night. I remember how happy I felt to see so many Singaporeans around me, how at home I felt finally, how proud I was when we got off the bus for a break and made heads turn at the long line of asians we formed. I remember how content I was sitting on the ground building my little snowman although my butt was freezing, I remember not wanting to sleep because I may never get a chance to see these people again. I remember listening to another 19-year-old talk about her experiences and comparing myself to her, I remember telling Chloe that if you asked me who I'd rather be, I'd still say      me.

I remember waving bye to people, I remember those who looked me in the eyes and told me "see you again".

See you again.

Happy stuff??????? Happy stuff. I'm glad for Jofo and Chloe and YAYAtotes, I'm glad my brother is in UK with me, I'm glad my whole family is well and alive, I'm beyond glad nothing significantly bad happened to me in 2014. Contrary to popular belief I'm glad I came to York, I'm glad I'd still rather be me, though I am an emotional wreck most of the time. I'm glad I can buy the clothes and shoes I want to wear, I'm glad I've learnt to cut people out of my life. I'm glad I still can eat food that tastes like home though I am thousands of miles away. I'm glad I'm sitting here in this coldass room typing on my macbook and listening to 2 boys clicking away on dota.

I'm glad that in 2014 I came to terms with the fact that I am not a happy person, because now I can do something about it.

I'm glad that in 2014 I admitted to myself wholeheartedly that I am weak and frail, because now I can do something about it.

I remember sitting before my computer and wondering if I should post such posts for fear I would get judged and then deciding

ah screw it
just do it

I don't have any new year resolutions
I don't think I have the right

Goodbye 2014,
I'm so scared of 2015

(ok turns out this wasn't a cliche post after all)(congrats grace)(well done)(100 points for your uniqueness)(ha ha)

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