7 October 2014

Being here makes me feel so comfortable ahaha maybe because this is one place where everything I'm familiar with is and somewhere I can express myself without thinking about other people :))))

I don't even know what I'm doing these days why does socialising make me so TIRED... I keep using the facts that I have 1. only 9 months in this college and with my housemates 2. I didn't come here to become angmoh 3. I have 3 years to get to know my coursemates and 4. I feel like while I still have few responsibilities I should do the things I want eg. not talk to other people as excuses to not socialise or respond properly and in detail to "how are you"s (who on EARTH started greeting people this way wasn't HELLO enough???).

As you can probably tell considering I posted 2 days ago commenting on how wonderful life is I am extremely confused and insecure about my social life and WO BU ZHI DAO YAO ZEN ME ZUO... I'm like not SAD I'm just really mentally drained and unsure of my future here and I don't know if I will be happy etc etc but at the same time I know that this is just the beginning and it's too early to tell and I actually have high hopes.... do you tHINK I might be likE... bipOLar??? ???? ?

Ok since this post was becoming a rant I'm just gonna (rant) look back on the past week which will most likely lead to me realising that I have been committing social suicide before crying myself to sleep later.

My face is a big round fishball here I'm so disturbed and insecure so why am I posting this???? I like what I was wearing ahhahahaha even though my legs look 2cm long

Looking at these pictures make me so SAD because now almost every part of the city reminds me of my family :'( Even the city walls which sucks because you can see the city walls everywhere

Spent the time they were here attempting to be tourists but mostly just ended buying a lot of stuff to get me ready for life here and ok I'm like too sad to type this out... I really never expected myself to miss home so much but on the night I left I sat on my bed and cried for half an hour and then I really really really didn't want to leave. I remember how I used to make fun of YL when she complained she didn't want to leave home because I just c o u l d n ' t wait but now I totally understand and for some weird reason I think I'm having a harder time than she is?? 

It's actually not so difficult when I'm with friends here or attending lectures but when I get back to my room and I have to cook for myself/wash my clothes myself/blast music just so I don't feel so bad it becomes so clear that I can't just reach out to them anymore and it's not a feeling that is bad enough to make you cry, nor is it insignificant enough such that it goes away after awhile; it just lingers the whole time and makes me miserable deep deep inside. I know they always say I should just distract myself and hang out with people and I really did try but I don't know how to say this... it only works with the right people??? Sometimes it's easier for me to isolate myself than to pretend to be friendly with the wrong people.

My cheeseburger from the burger truck I was so excited to buy from 

Went to town alone to set up my bank account the other day and didn't because idk the British are very unfamiliar with Chinese names and took Y G Png to be a different person from Png Y G haha idk??? idk but I might die if I don't get my debit card in time no kidding I have not paid a single cent (erM, PENNY?? pence??) of my school fees. 

Spent the day getting lost and buying vitasoy from the Chinese supermarket and getting lost, buying 7 pound sneakers from New Look (supergas were actually on my list of use-mummy's-money-to-buy but they are moRE expensive here than in SIngapore?!! so because I am very extreme I bought mine for 7 pounds)(which is actually like 15 SGD which is not cheap my friends it is normal), getting lost, telling myself to go to Topshop and shop my sad heart out but ending up in UO looking at this one pair of Nike shoes for half and hour before telling myself I must resist and finally getting my ass out of the shop, getting lost, going to hnm where I was OUTRAGED because the prices are double that of the hnm's in SG, getting lost, deciding that proper shops in the UK are simply too expensive for my budget barbie tendencies and retreating to the tents in the middle of nowhere where I bought a blanket to comfort my depressed soul. I'm getting old.... 

Ok speaking of old I'm like really old here everyone is at LEAST a year younger than I am and by that I mean there are 17-YEAR-OLDS.... omg I was 17 like a thousand years ago. When I was 17 life was perfect wow I wish I could be 17 again... 17.............. 17??!?!! 17?! This doesn't just make me feel old it makes me feel STUPID HA HA.... LIKE WHAT WAS I DOING IN JC WHEN I WAS 17 WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN UNI at SEVENTEEN yeARS OlD??? GRACE????? 

If I meet a 16-year-old here I might faint.

My bibimbap which made me feel like quitting school to set up a Korean restaurant/moving to Korea to work as a waitress while living in a small apartment with a cute Korean boy 

I've been kind of enjoying cooking for myself so far but I just know I'm going to get tired of it soon... 15 people to 1 kitchen is really erMZ so yeah I try not to spend too much time in there. Other than that the kitchen is quite cleaaaan and... don't know where I'm going with this paragraph... 

Went for octopush ytd and (my very brief but accurate account is on my instagram) drowned 2000 times and drank about 2L of water, pee, sweat and saliva HAHAAHHAHA but it was fun and it's the first time EVER I'm joining a sport... hopefully this lasts... there's that sad lazy little antisocial pig in me that's telling me I won't last but I don't know let's just see where this brings me... 

Lectures and tutorials have been okay maybe even a little bit fun (when I'm fooling around that is there is NOTHING fun about the lessons not even like the teeniest bit) because I have friends (I think)(hopefully)(I'm)(their)(friend)(too). Tutorials make me miserable though because everyone is SO soft and I can't hear them zz but so far I've been waking up at 8 every morning and then going straight for class and coming back in the evening like a jc kid. Also I received my first assignment of the year and I am devASTATEd.... 

so devastating I can't type anymore bye

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