I asked You,
"how many times will You pick me up
when I keep on letting You down?
& each time I will fall short of Your glory;
how far will forgiveness abound?
I was in the middle of a long long emo post about how sad and useless and lonely I am but then now all my siblings are back and I spent 2 hours with poketuplets@playground and while I still feel lousy about myself I realised there's really nothing more I could ask for (except for my cat please come home). I love/hate how it's always on random nights like today that I will suddenly feel like getting my spiritual life back on track but recently I've been a legitly sad and needy person and I feel like my heart and mind are being shredded to pieces and thrown everywhere all the time. Now I am listening to my playlist of hymns and maybe and hopefully after tonight and many long prayers I will finally feel whole and (more importantly) at peace with myself again.
The past few days have been spent eating, stalking my seniors on FB, eating, thinking if I'm sad enough to go see a therapist or something, eating, promising the world that tomorrow I will start doing something productive with my life (but as everyone knows tomorrow never comes), strumming random things on the ukulele, starting conversations with my busy friends on whatsapp and getting ignored, typing out conversation starters on whatsapp and deleting everything again because nobody really cares about the lame things I like to share hhahHAHhahhahahaahaha (sad laughter).
Another one of those nights I just don't want to sleep no matter how tired I get because there is simply too much for me to think about, too many conclusions my mind wants to draw and too many whens and ifs. While sometimes I wish I could switch my brain off I'm grateful for moments like these when my brain seems to be getting its shit together in spite of how topsy turvy everything else seems.
There are so many things to be worried about and so many things I fear (like losing my friends(1!1!!) and not being able to make new friends) and I want more than anything to be able to take this leap of faith (ok I have no choice hello life) and dive into this completely dark abyss with not a single ounce of fear in my bones blood cells.......... I am equal parts excited and terrified of leaving this life behind but I will leave these thoughts alone because I cannot do anything about them harhar.
I just remembered our 2011 tuao trip when we were singing Still and everyone just burst into tears because life is so unfair and why do all good things have to come to an end??? and tbh these little memories are what keep me going when I feel like I'm not good enough (which is verryyy often...)(because I have a little hobby of beating myself up over everything). The past few weeks though they haven't been very comforting because I've been a big bitch and getting upset at my friends over things that don't matter............. so now while I do know (and am confident that) having a heart is enough for me to brave through whatever storms or battles I have to face in future I feel like somewhere along the way I turned my own heart stone cold and suddenly all I wanted was more. Tonight all I'm hoping is for my cat to come home and for me to feel like a person again.
Okay this sucks because I dON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL SAD I'm just sad all the time for no reason and I miss when my heart literally felt like it was bursting with warm fuzzy happiness but I don't know what I should do I'm so lost ... help