5 June 2014

Just got rejected for a scholarship and nothing HAPPY IN MY LIFE MATTERS ANYMORE (kidding) I'm just sitting here being sad eating my vitamin c pastilles which are gr8 so that's one good thing in my life but other than that I'm feeling like rotten lettuce and nothing is worse than rotten lettuce. Also I think this is pms doing its thing because the scholarship doesn't even matter (yes it does it's a lot of my parents' money) but who am I kidding I'm always looking for signs to validate myself and I've gone way too long without any and my self esteem in the past few months has been....................................................... yuKc and I know that's bad because can't I validate myself???? I mean like grow up grace BUT NO I stopped kidding myself a long time ago because that doesn't work blaabla rant rant rant rant

There are times when I feel like I'm good enough and me enough and that's what got me through A's and whatever sad moments I've had in this life but there are days like today I can't get myself to love me (and I know that's okay and I'm not alone) but other days this is accompanied by me hating on the world for being so talented and tall and skinny and pretty and smart and quirky and unique with good hearing and all and then there's me and it's not like I never tried and it's not like I chose to be so talentless or deaf (also please stop talking about my hearing like it's something I chose to be born with???? please??? I've never said it to anyone before but while it's something I've gotten used to it hurts a bit and it really wouldn't kill you to speak a little louder or repeat yourself without rolling your eyes at me)

and I feel bad typing all this while there are people fighting to live out there, people mourning over the loss of a loved one and there are people with (to put it simply) much much bigger problems than I do but this is everything I've been upset about basically my whole life and I have many many other rants not dissimilar to this hidden somewhere as drafts among my posts and while I want to keep this blog as happy as I can keep it I thought why not get this out to show my 40-year-old self how pointless my worrying can be??

I know I should be working properly and gaining myself some experience but as bullshitty as it may sound I HAVE gained a lot from sitting around and observing those around me and how hours become days become weeks become months. I've seen how life and work get in the way of you meeting with the people you love and watched friendships sink, how #1s will never stay #1s forever, how ~love~ is one of the hardest things to do and without a conscious effort there's really no way, I've watched people claim they love (ie. social media) but not once have they done anything to show their love and nothing is as heartbreaking as that, how in just a space of a few months boundaries are defined and redefined and people drift in and out of our lives like it means nothing -- all of which seem unimportant and stupid (even to me) and things I really shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about but have hardened me (in a good way) and prepared me (I think) for what I know I will soon face.

but I was sitting in the front of the bus facing the back today looking at the full bus and there are so many people and and I can't decide if it's scary or beautiful (maybe both)(maybe scarily beautiful)(god what a word to use...) that no two people in this world have the exact same experiences and feelings and group of friends etc. but also sad that we all feel sad about different things and nobody in this world will ever ever understand EXACTLY how we feel (also we are all human donuts).

Once again asking myself if having a heart is enough because I can't seem to do anything else right but recently I've been feeling like my heart isn't there anymore too (sorry cheesy statements but I think you get what I mean). I don't know if the kind things I do (which haven't been many really)(I do more of the opposite these days LOL)(ok no lol this is not a laughing matter) are done (once again) for self-validation or for the right purpose whatever that is actually. I want to hit myself for always trying to find the teeniest of flaws on seemingly perfect people instead of praising them like everyone else does and I know this makes me the Biggest Baddest Bitch but omg it's time to face it self-denial is so last decade HAHHA I'm far far far from perfect and my own thoughts make me ashamed of myself and the guilt kills me inside all the time and there are so many things I have said that I want to take back but life goes on............................

I'm starting to be the person I both love and hate most and I don't know how that could be but rmb my life now consists of eat sleep tumblr and the occasional math game and I have no right at all to complain (but if your life is eat sleep tumblr too and you have a lot to complain about I am always here come to me because I will probably understand you best ahahhaha).

I over-analyse and over-think and everything in my mind spins and twists and turns and struggles to come to conclusions too often when they are not needed and deep inside I don't know if I'm sure of myself or not and once again not something I should be wasting my time thinking about..................................

Probably not the post you wanted to be attached to but

I cannot promise forevers or anything but I'm sorry for the times I ever ever questioned or bitched about any of you but thank you for celebrating my birthday with me it meant the world and more to me (cos y'all are my world now WO00OH CHEEZY) and more than half of my 20th year on this planet will be spent er, across the planet from all of you and that is reason #2 I don't want to leave (#1 is my cat in case you were curious) and I need to stop this cheesy shit and be more like jofo but reaaally

Thank you for your time (I cannot even stress this enough) and for making the effort or for staying up or for replying me on whatsapp when I call (which is quite a lot so W0W KUDOS TO YOU) or for coming out even when you're tired or for bothering even if you can only stay a few minutes or for going home late despite early morning plans the next day or for coming along on my dirty smelly & damn tiring adventures NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER AGREE TO DO SPECIAL MENTION FOR U JOFO but really thank you for the time you could've spent with other cooler swaggier people. These are greatest greatest gifts anyone could ever give me and I hope I've been able to and will do the same for you. I am trying to love you to the best of my abilities though sometimes I admit I don't do a very good job so luv is more appropriate and I can confidently say I LUVVVV yall with all my heart (DOES THIs even make sense I hope you understand). 

& more than all the shitty stuff I talked about in this post pls note that I am grateful for much much much more important and greater things that I !hope! I can say with my actions instead of here (W0000HH CHEEZY AGaiN whADDap man) 

Happy 19th birthday to me

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