27 December 2013

2013

Christmas night so I'm downloading Frozen (WHICH I HAVEN'T WATCHED!!!!1!!!!!1!!1! this is unacceptable) very illegally (sorry Santa but it's not like you came to visit last night either) and scrolling through Tumblr while eating sweet potatoes in my green bean soup. Saw this little post which has inspired (ok this is too nice a word) me to really look back on the year!!

Still remember sososo clearly ending 2012 with Korea which I rlyrlyrly miss :((( and then starting the year with secret santa/bbq with ma Laotians!! SUper miss how tight we were then sigh haha but it's ok whatever will be will be :-)

Started off the yr with good results which gradually and unfortunately went downhill and down and down and down which made me very frustrated with myself and made me cry a lot too especially after I got an E for Bio which was really the saddest thing ever at that point of time because I felt like it was the only thing I could do...............

but all that is past and in a way 2013 has been the greatest year of my life because while it wasn't as enjoyable as 2012 it taught me way way way more!!! :-)

How friends in sch can make your life soooooo much easier and how much of a comfort they are because

they let me know I'm not the only one losing my mind (hahahaa)


and thru all my damn insignificant failures there are greater things to worry about and sometimes some things can't be changed no matter how much we want them to. 2013 was rlyrly hard having people tell me I can do it and that if I just work harder I will get good results because deep inside that wasn't what I think I needed/wanted to hear despite all their good intentions....??? July was really the hardest because I had to tell myself instead that I was/am good enough and I just needed to keep doing what I was doing and STOP thinking about the results but the process and miraculously and by God's grace it worked!!!!!1!!!1! and tbh I think it's the only way I managed to last through 07/11-29/11 without breaking down/having a panic attack and it will be how I'm going to manage results day too ^~^~~~

Studying for prelims/A's must have been the most memorable part of the year too thanks to late nights in sch and massive dinners by the parents hahahaha. Spent much of the time talking instead of studying but I'm just glad we managed to liven up such a dreadful period. Studying really messes with people's minds so it was amusing seeing ppl go crazy/die as the hours passed (sounds damn sadistic but nvm). Built memorable r/ships with our teachers too and tho I never thought of them as significant parts of my life (oops) I'm glad we were able to end it all on a good note :-) twas good realising they are people too and there are some things they themselves don't know/touching knowing how much they are doing for us despite family struggles :')

2012/13 were also years of losing and making friends and even though it's very upsetting to lose friends it's the best way to teach one that life has to go on :-) No matter how much I want to believe I can keep my friends if I want to I can't deny it's a two-way street?? and sometimes I forget to care too.... so it's never only one party's fault but OH WELL THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS SOMETIMES
but on the other hand 2012/13 brought us muchmuch closer together than before and while I always want to embrace change I'm glad some things never change :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 


Looking fwd to growing old with these ppl and eating tauhuay/watching movies/bday surprises when we're 65. SUper excitessssss for our gathering on Sun!!! Can't believe we managed to ask all 42 only true love can do that ok yaya (also travelled for 1.5h with Joey today for them)

Been thinking a lot about friends from JC and feeling really scared we become strangers again... which I know will happen because we don't have opportunities to meet/sometimes people are more important to you than you are to them... we've hardly even moved on with life and I already feel like I'm drifting further and further and further away. Honestly thought friends forever existed but I guess notttttttt................................. not when the start of your friendship was obligatory (in a way). Selfish and useless thoughts but ah letting myself think them for once.

On a brighter note I think I've finally discovered once again how to embrace being alone :))))) For awhile few months back I somehow couldn't stand being alone HAHAHAHA and thought I was going crazy because I'm usually so good at this whole ~solitude~ thing. Spent most of the time at home after grad being alone so ok I am ready to live the cat lady life.

Going to learn to let go and live life without worrying~~~~~~

Thank you 2012/13 for teaching me so much and helping me dig deep inside to decide and realise what I really really believe in instead of always blindly following other's wishes/opinions :-) Also for teaching me who are the ones who will stick with me through my random sad moments/disgustingly high expectations of myself/times when I feel like I will die if I don't win ie. Chloe Khaw the tuition friend and not sec sch classmate (hahaha) for having the only person's shoulders I have literally cried on (for damn long ok i'm not proud of this but I am still thankful ok HAHAH I will never forget that day...). LUV YA to bits and I feel a bit like a lesbian because I'm gonna spend 00:00 01/01/2014 with you alone  but it's ok....................... I guess.................... we will take polaroid pictures with the fireworks like a true couple

Also sorry to many people for feeling so shit about myself and having such contagious grumpiness so much that in the end everyone felt shit about themselves/sorry for the times I spoke without thinking or said too much because I tend to be a know-it-all.................... zzzzzzzz

Or forcing my opinions on you though you didn't ask because as said above I tend to be a know-it-all and can't stop talking sometimes (trust me there are too many times I realise I'm talking too much only halfway through my er... speech)

Or for the awkward times my body and mind were unable to handle because that's just how my life worked out to be I cannot handle certain situations ahahahahahah but I'm trying to learn ok so please forgive me....... I feel and know I'm quite a try-hard because.............. thinking back my life has really been a journey; somehow I grew up to be extremely self-conscious and vain and while listening to all the "be yourself" advice and "strive to be perfect" speeches I got a bit confused (though it really seems quite clear) and lost myself somewhere along the way. Sometimes I think the people around me don't know who I am exactly because I myself don't... so it makes me REALLY QUITE DISGUSTINGLY HAPPY when I do something and someone says it's very "me" to do it because WOW I HAVE A PERSONALITY...................

but there are 2 sides to everything and recently I've been thinking because of that (ie. I think I have been a different person every year of my life) I am who I am and well... I should stop thinking about such complex issues LOL and just go with the flow y..know... I've always been so worried about how other people see me and I don't think I will ever stop worrying about that so I guess going where life takes me would be the best solution now.

Here's to a wonderful wonderful 2014 with new experiences new lessons and most importantly, new friends :-)

TQ to 2sc8/ma thunderbudz/autistic nuns/laosy team/6a07/buddy though you were in dublin/chloe/kevin and most importantly my png famz for being there for me though you may not know how much strength you gave me the past 2 years. Blessed beyond words :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

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