2 February 2013

it's my life

I just wanna live while I'm alive

Back here not to tell everyone that my life has been amazing and happy like I really want it to be but because my head has been in such a mess and I just feel bad about myself all the time even though I know it's my own choice. I've been such a bad friend I don't even know what to do about myself. I know it's the worse time ever to be wishing for a people break with orientation and all but I feel so lost and.... blah.

The past three weeks have been the toughest trying and trying and trying to socialise and giving up; being so overly sensitive and thinking everybody hates me even though I know it's not true. I hate it when I can't be myself around people because it's so.t.i.r.i.n.g and the thing is I don't even know why I can't be myself. I HATE it when people don't see me for who I am but then again so many times I catch myself doing (or rather not doing) things I never expect myself to. I hate admitting that maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was but breaking down over not being able to do a math question seems a reason good enough to admit to myself that maybe i do have some toughening up to do.

But I've been trying to find the good in everything that has been happening and the past three weeks have made me realise how lucky I am to have people around me who really care, and that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter (yay Dr. Seuss). Really really really miss being around the church people for some reason :'( Want and need a youth/church camp/fellowship desperately to focus on mind on the important things right now.

Don't wanna be weak

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