7 November 2012

I dream

Feeling so shitty since PW ended. I know I should be feeling relieved content blessed happy but I really can't bring myself to. Also know there are a million people out there who wish they could be where I am today. I AM content and I do feel blessed but I'm feeling so bothered by myself. Feeling myself enter the phase of not knowing who I am and having my priorities completely messed up. But worst of all doing all sorts of things that don't reflect who I am and being so desperate for so-called social acceptance. Watching things I've learnt in the past year slowly going down the drain. It's so hard to be who I want myself to be and ultimately, who God wants me to be and my greatest fear is that these two desires may not even be aligned. Slipping away but I'm not even trying; knowing what's wrong and how to save myself, yet somehow I'm not doing what I have to do. I keep asking myself why I can't have the discipline to keep moving forward and closer to my ultimate and final goal instead of straying off to the wrong paths but even I have no idea. Is it human nature to not feel like doing quiet time? I know and I have experienced the satisfaction and comfort of simply spending a few tiny moments with God but why do I find it so hard to do it now? What's the point of only praying during my exam period and completely forgetting once I get my results? I know it's not too late to save myself but... I don't know. I feel so guilty and sad and miserable at the same time and scared of posting this too. But I know if I don't I will never face my feelings and go back to being the complete asshole I've been in the past weeks days, weeks even. I keep asking myself so what if I feel I've done much for my PW group if I all I cared for was myself. So what if I did well for promos if I was doing it for myself? it never felt so difficult to let go of this pride of mine. So many sinful thoughts going through my mind I can't even believe how evil I can be. So bloody sick of myself for constantly constantly constantly making excuses for the things I do. I've always had trouble with putting my thoughts into words but I guess that's just another thing I have to learn to do. Sigh basically just really really really sick of what I've been thinking and doing and really really really hate who I've been trying to do.

Ultra thankful for those who were willing to listen today but I'm sorry I couldn't explain or show how grateful I am. Something that sounds so trivial yet I feel like my whole life depends on it.

Anyway. Just felt like it was time to face my feelings and insecurities. Don't want to go for OCIP and mess everything up and come back feeling like a greater mess. I know God put me in this team for a reason and it's going to change me like how the past two mission trips have. I'm just really really scared I make the same mistakes as I did last year, not going to serve Him, but for my own enjoyment. Told myself I would go there to love and be loved, and I just really pray that'll be what I really want to do when the time comes aka next sunday gulp.

Guess I just needed time to reflect properly by myself and someone who is able to motivate me to keep striving for christlikeness. like my bobbybudz

Sigh really miss Bob :'( :'( Bobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb :'(

Really can't appreciate those who've been there for me all the time enough. Hope I was able to do the same xx

why am i such a burden to myself i promise to emerge a better person kk

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

Because the parrots-ate-em-all~


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