14 February 2011


I haven't really been working THAT hard but I'm still feeling pretty stressed.
Whenever I don't get something I immediately panic, some signal is sent to my brain telling me I'm stupid, I'm going to lose to everyone else, I became stupid after last year etc etc etc.

I only have 2 minutes to type this cos I HAVE to sleep at 12 or I'll die tomorrow. If you're wondering why I still have the time to do this... I don't know I just decided to spend ten minutes of my life tonight using the computer (great achievement compared to the... uhm 2 hours on avg.)

I think I messed up BOTH my english papers and nothing can save me now hur hur hur. I know it's like the most important subject but... my brain is not working properly uhm.

I've been failing EVERY. SINGLE. MATH. TEST. and I'm so disgusted with myself BUT I just can't bring myself to practise math math math math math.
I'm doing more now, definitely, but obviously not enough to get me an A. or even a B :/

but then I learnt a really really really valuable lesson today which is probably why I'm here now.

Me: I feel so stupid.
Mummy: Don't ever say that again. God would be so upset if he heard that. Of course you are not stupid.

It's at time like this I'm so grateful for mummy and for being born into a christian family because I don't know how I would survive without them.

and then the other problem with me is that I'm so competitive I disgust myself. Whenever I realise I'm praising myself just to make myself feel better it's... too late?
whatever I do now, whatever tests I study for etc is just to idk, boost my self-esteem and bring other people down. I don't even want to become the purpose of my life.
So now before I study for anything I'm going to remind myself who I'm ULTIMATELY doing this for. Definitely not for myself (ok partly. what am I talking about).

and happy belated valentines' day.
It was a horrible xinfinity one but I hope you had a great one (whoever you are. a zombie?)

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